Steven Wright Quotes

Biography: Steven Wright is known for his deadpan delivery and surreal humor as a... more Biography: Steven Wright is known for his deadpan delivery and surreal humor as a stand-up comedian. With his distinctive monotone voice and slow, deliberate pacing, Wright has captivated audiences worldwide. He won an Academy Award for his short film "The Appointments of Dennis Jennings" and has released several critically acclaimed comedy albums. less

"The early bird gets the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.""If you tell a joke in the forest, but nobody laughs, was it a joke?""A conscience is what hurts when all your other parts feel so good.""Plan to be spontaneous tomorrow.""I think it’s wrong that only one company makes the game Monopoly.""My friend has a baby. I'm recording all the noises he makes so later I can ask him what he meant.""Eagles may soar, but weasels don’t get sucked into jet engines.""I watched the Indy 500, and I was thinking that if they left earlier they wouldn’t have to go so fast.""When I was a kid, my grandmother had this giant spool of thread, and we were going to string it out of her window real far, you know, and then let go and put a note on the end. Now I'm stuck with a spool of string I could never use up.""I busted a mirror and got seven years bad luck, but my lawyer thinks he can get me five""I like to reminisce with people I don't know""If you must choose between two evils, pick the one you've never tried before""I almost had a psychic girlfriend but she left me before we met""Right now I'm having amnesia and déjà vu at the same time. I think I've forgotten this before.""I was a peripheral visionary. I could see the future, but only way off to the side.""I saw a bank that said "24 Hour Banking," but I don't have that much time.""Hard work pays off in the future. Laziness pays off now.""You can't have everything. Where would you put it?""I went to a general store. They wouldn't let me buy anything specifically.""Half the people you know are below average."

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