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Humor Quotes

"It is a mistake to think you can solve any major problems just with potatoes."

"Everything is a miracle. It is a miracle that one does not dissolve in one's bath like a lump of sugar. "

"I said I was ‘The Greatest,’ I never said I was ‘The Smartest!’"

"A professor must have a theory as a dog must have fleas"

"I can't sing and I can't dance, but I can lick any SOB in the house. "

"No one ever died from sleeping in an unmade be "

"There is only one step from the sublime to the ridiculous."

"Genius may have its limitations, but stupidity is not thus handicapped"

"When you're born you get a ticket to the freak show. When you're born in America, you get a front-row seat"

"Just because you break the fourth wall doesn't make you any smarter than me."

"I've seen a look in dogs' eyes, a quickly vanishing look of amazed contempt, and I am convinced that dogs think humans are nuts."

"I drink and I know things"

"Abstainer: A weak person who yields to the temptation of denying himself a pleasure"

"My parents didn't want to move to Florida, but they turned sixty and that's the law."

"Sometimes the funniest thing to say is mean."

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