Humor Quotes

"There are books of which the backs and covers are by far the best parts" "I'd give my right arm to be... ambidextrous" "Wit and humor do not reside in slow minds " "Being a comedian is the closest thing to being a rock star." "Nothing is funnier than unhappiness." "After all, what is a pedestrian? He is a man who has two cars - one being driven by his wife, the other by one of his children" "I never worry about diets. The only carrots that interest me are the number you get in a diamond." "A hard man is good to find." "I don't believe in being serious about anything. I think life is too serious to be taken seriously." "When your mother asks, 'Do you want a piece of advice?' it is a mere formality. It doesn't matter if you answer yes or no. You're going to get it anyway." "A foolproof plan cannot be wise-proof." "When you look like your passport photo, it’s time to go home." "The comic is the perception of the opposite; humor is the feeling of it." "I asked a ref if he could give me a technical foul for thinking bad things about him. He said, of course not. I said, well, I think you stink. And he gave me a technical. You can't trust em." "If you're going to be crazy, you have to get paid for it or else you're going to be locked up" "I feel the same way about disco as I do about herpes" "Marriage is one of the few institutions that allow a man to do as his wife pleases" "Men want the same thing from their underwear that they want from women a little bit of support and a little bit of freedom." "Well, you know the thing you wear around your neck that holds your ID badge? I call that a bungee cord because no matter how far you try to run from your job it always snaps you right back into your cubicle." "The reports of my death are greatly exaggerated"