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Humor Quotes

"Nothing shows a man's character more than what he laughs at "

"Never lend your car to anyone to whom you have given birth."

"To catch a husband is an art; to hold him is a job"

"I'm the most recognized and loved man that ever lived cuz there weren’t no satellites when Jesus and Moses were around, so people far away in the villages didn’t know about them."

"It's not easy being drunk all the time. Everyone would do it if it were easy."

"Never go to a doctor whose office plants have died."

"I make jokes about it, but I've always been very partial to my Southern roots."

"With my sunglasses on, I'm Jack Nicholson. Without them, I'm fat and 70."

"If you're going to be crazy, you have to get paid for it or else you're going to be locked up"

"Being a comedian is the closest thing to being a rock star."

"I'm writing a book. I've got the page numbers done, so now I just have to fill in the rest."

"It’s a positive thing to talk about terrible things and make people laugh about them"

"Right now I'm having amnesia and déjà vu at the same time. I think I've forgotten this before."

"Some people talk in their sleep. Lecturers talk while other people sleep."

"It’s a Bazooka-meets-slighty-embarrassed grin kind of thing."

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