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Funny Quotes

"A diplomat is a man who always remembers a woman's birthday but never remembers her age."

"I feel sorry for people who don’t drink because when they wake up in the morning, that’s as good as they’re going to feel all day"

"I read an article that said the way to achieve inner peace is to finish things you have started. Today I finished two bags of potato chips and a chocolate cake. I feel better already."

"People say nothing is impossible, but I do nothing every day."

"I have bad reflexes. I was once run over by a car being pushed by two guys"

"Funny people say funny stuff off the clock."

"Neil Armstrong was the first man to walk on the moon. I am the first man to piss his pants on the moon. (It was said humorously, so it's less well-known.)"

"Nothing in life is fun for the whole family. There are no massage parlors with ice cream and free jewelry."

"I poured spot remover on my dog. Now he's gone."

"I'm thankful for laughter, except when milk comes out of my nose."

"Time to make the chimi-f***ing-changas"

"I don't know how many times someone has come up to me and said, "Hey, Let's dance!" I hate dancing. God, it's stupid."

"I've got a good mind to join a club and beat you over the head with it."

"Cricket is basically baseball on valium"

"All of us have moments in our lives that test our courage. Taking children into a house with white carpet is one of them."

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