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Humor Quotes

"Life is a joke, and death is its punchline."

"You beating yourself up is like Woody Allen playing the clarinet. I don’t wan't to hear it."

"Marriage is a wonderful institution, but who wants to live in an institution?"

"Life has become immeasurably better since I have been forced to stop taking it seriously"

"I think my comedy is a bit misunderstood by fellow comedians. "

"I used to be Snow White, but I drifted."

"I have no idea what I am doing, but incompetence has never prevented me from plunging in with enthusiasm"

"There's 206 bones in the human body, 207 when I'm watching gossip girl."

"A pessimist is a man who has been compelled to live with an optimist."

"When your mother asks, 'Do you want a piece of advice?' it is a mere formality. It doesn't matter if you answer yes or no. You're going to get it anyway."

"I'm not offended by all the dumb blond jokes because I know I'm not dumb... and I also know that I'm not blond"

"I have nothing but respect for you and not much of that."

"I am really good at being sarcastic with guys. That's the best way to hang out with them, because that's what guys are like."

"Say what you want about long dresses, but they cover a multitude of shins."

"Nothing wrong with me except maybe my personality"

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