Wit Quotes

"I was married by a judge. I should have asked for a jury." "I went to a bookstore and asked the saleswoman, "Where's the self-help section?" She said if she told me, it would defeat the purpose" "To catch a husband is an art; to hold him is a job" "A little nonsense now and then is relished by the wisest men" "Wit and humor do not reside in slow minds " "The comic is the perception of the opposite; humor is the feeling of it." "I'm too good for my own good, I won't leak the album, I'll let it spill" "How do you tell when you're out of invisible ink?" "There's a fine line between fishing and just standing on the shore like an idiot." "A joke is a very serious thing" "Better a witty fool than a foolish wit" "I hate reality but it's still the best place to get a good steak." "I'm not dumb. I just have a command of thoroughly useless information." "You can't just take something, put it in a different context and expect it to be funny" "Either this man is dead or my watch has stopped." "I have nothing but respect for you and not much of that." "I was gratified to be able to answer promptly, and I did. I said I didn’t know." "The more I see of humans the more I like horses" "Just because you break the fourth wall doesn't make you any smarter than me." "I busted a mirror and got seven years bad luck, but my lawyer thinks he can get me five"