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Humor Quotes

"I'd like to die on Mars, just not on impact."

"How can I accept the Order of the Garter, when the people of England have just given me the Order of the Boot?"

"I can resist everything except temptation."

"In the twinkling of an eye, I found myself without an office, without a seat, without a party, and without an appendix."

"I went to a restaurant that serves 'breakfast at any time.' So I ordered French toast during the Renaissance."

"We all know that light travels faster than sound. That's why certain people appear bright until you hear them speak."

"A diplomat is a man who always remembers a woman's birthday but never remembers her age."

"Between two evils, I always pick the one I never tried before."

"If you see me in a fight with a bear, pray for the bear"

"Man suffers only because he takes seriously what the gods made for fun."

"You know what the happiest animal on Earth is? It's a goldfish. You know why? It's got a 10-second memory."

"Behind every great man is a woman rolling her eyes"

"I can't listen to that much Wagner. I start getting the urge to conquer Poland."

"I drink to make other people more interesting"

"If God would have wanted games to end in a tie, she wouldn't have invented numbers."

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