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Humor Quotes

"I love deadlines I love the whooshing noise they make as they go by"

"The reason they call it the American Dream is because you have to be asleep to believe it"

"We must laugh and we must sing if only to avoid killing ourselves"

"I was gratified to be able to answer promptly, and I did. I said I didn’t know."

"Comedy is the blues for people who can't sing"

"Milk is for babies. When you grow up you have to drink beer"

"I feel sorry for people who don’t drink because when they wake up in the morning, that’s as good as they’re going to feel all day"

"How is it possible to find meaning in a finite world, given my waist and shirt size?"

"I pride myself on the fact that my work has no socially redeeming value"

"Dogs are the leaders of the planet. If you see two life forms, one of them's making a poop, the other one's carrying it for him, who would you assume is in charge?"

"Barbecue may not be the road to world peace, but it's a start"

"Idiot, n. A member of a large and powerful tribe whose influence in human affairs has always been dominant and controlling"

"Always do sober what you said you'd do drunk. That will teach you to keep your mouth shut"

"My way of joking is to tell the truth. That’s the funniest joke in the world."

"I take a very practical view of raising children. I put a sign in each of their rooms: Checkout Time is 18 years."

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