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Humor Quotes

"The brain is a wonderful organ; it starts working the moment you get up in the morning and does not stop until you get into the office."

"The reports of my death are greatly exaggerated"

"The Electric Monk was a labor-saving device, like a dishwasher."

"I don't think comedians make an impact; I think they're a reflection of what's happening."

"The only way that I could figure they could improve upon Coca-Cola, one of life's most delightful elixirs, which studies prove would be better for you than water, is to put rum or bourbon in it"

"My education was dismal. I went to a series of schools for mentally disturbed teachers."

"There are more old drunks than there are old doctors so I guess we’d better have another round"

"I learned long ago never to wrestle with a pig. You get dirty, and besides, the pig likes it"

"Against the assault of laughter, nothing can stand"

"I could not live without Champagne. In victory I deserve it. In defeat I need it."

"May the forces of evil become confused on the way to your house."

"Only dull people are brilliant at breakfast."

"I love deadlines. I love the whooshing noise they make as they go by."

"I read an article that said the way to achieve inner peace is to finish things you have started. Today I finished two bags of potato chips and a chocolate cake. I feel better already."

"Time is an illusion Lunchtime doubly so"

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