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Humor Quotes

"I'd rather take coffee than compliments just now."

"The problem with the gene pool is that there is no lifeguard."

"Newman's first law: It is useless to put on your brakes when you're upside down"

"Electric toothbrushes are good too, only I prefer them up my ass so I can listen to rock and roll while I ride my bicycle"

"I can resist everything except temptation"

"There are books of which the backs and covers are by far the best parts"

"A date is an experience you have with another person that makes you appreciate being alone."

"If they ever do my life story, whoever plays me needs lots of hair color and high heels"

"There’s only two people in your life you should lie to… the police and your girlfriend."

"It costs a lot of money to look this cheap"

"The main reason Santa is so jolly is because he knows where all the bad girls live."

"Sometimes I can't figure designers out. It's as if they flunked human anatomy."

"Never have more children than you have car windows."

"Humor is laughing at what you haven't got when you ought to have it"

"Different taste in jokes is a great strain on the affections."

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