Funny Quotes

"People say nothing is impossible, but I do nothing every day." "All of us have moments in our lives that test our courage. Taking children into a house with white carpet is one of them." "From the moment I picked your book up until I laid it down I was convulsed with laughter. Some day I intend reading it." "I've got a good mind to join a club and beat you over the head with it." "He may look like an idiot and talk like an idiot but don't let that fool you. He really is an idiot." "I could dance with you until the cows come home. On second thought, I'd rather dance with the cows until you come home." "One tequila, two tequila, three tequila, floor." "I'd give my right arm to be... ambidextrous" "I saw a bank that said "24 Hour Banking," but I don't have that much time." "Yesterday I was a dog Today I'm a dog Tomorrow I'll probably still be a dog Sigh! There's so little hope for advancement" "I'm not a vegetarian because I love animals, I'm a vegetarian because I hate plants" "I watched the Indy 500, and I was thinking that if they left earlier they wouldn’t have to go so fast." "You know you're getting old when you get that one candle on the cake. It's like 'See if you can blow this out'" "I've had a perfectly wonderful evening, but this wasn't it." "Cricket is basically baseball on valium"