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Funny Quotes

"The most affectionate creature in the world is a wet dog"

"You know you're getting old when you get that one candle on the cake. It's like 'See if you can blow this out'"

"I swear, I'm the least funny person on the planet… mgaaaah!!"

"Some of the worst mistakes in my life were haircuts"

"One tequila, two tequila, three tequila, floor."

"One morning I shot an elephant in my pajamas. How he got into my pajamas, I'll never know."

"He may look like an idiot and talk like an idiot but don't let that fool you. He really is an idiot."

"I bought some powdered water but I don't know what to add"

"I'm not a vegetarian because I love animals, I'm a vegetarian because I hate plants"

"I saw a bank that said "24 Hour Banking," but I don't have that much time."

"This must be Thursday. I never could get the hang of Thursdays."

"I'd give my right arm to be... ambidextrous"

"Yesterday I was a dog Today I'm a dog Tomorrow I'll probably still be a dog Sigh! There's so little hope for advancement"

"I could dance with you until the cows come home. On second thought, I'd rather dance with the cows until you come home."

"I spilled spot remover on my dog and now he's gone"

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