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Sarcasm Quotes

"I'm not a hero. I'm a high-functioning tool bag with a heart of gold"

"I do not know the American gentleman, god forgive me for putting two such words together."

"Sometimes the funniest thing to say is mean."

"Men are like a fine wine. They all start out like grapes, and it’s our job to stomp on them and keep them in the dark until they mature into something you’d want to have dinner with."

"I liked peanut butter. Peanut butter never got another woman pregnant. Peanut butter never made me cry. Nobody cared if you were photographed in a club with a jar of Jif"

"A hard man is good to find."

"You know why birds fly upside down over here? Because there ain't nothing worth crapping on."

"A lawyer is a person who writes a 10,000-word document and calls it a brief"

"I have had a perfectly wonderful evening, but this wasn't it."

"Don't believe anything you read on the net. Except this. Well, including this, I suppose."

"He may look like an idiot and talk like an idiot but don't let that fool you. He really is an idiot."

"An egotist is a person of low taste, more interested in himself than in me"

"I tried being reasonable, I didn't like it."

"I'd give my right arm to be... ambidextrous"

"I have left orders to be awakened at any time in case of national emergency, even if I’m in a cabinet meeting"

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