Sign in Sign up

Humor Quotes

"Blessed is the man who, having nothing to say, abstains from giving us wordy evidence of the fact."

"Happiness is having a large, loving, caring, close-knit family in another city."

"I spilled spot remover on my dog and now he's gone"

"I almost had a psychic girlfriend but she left me before we met"

"I would like to be remembered as a man who won the heavyweight title three times. Who was humorous and who treated everyone right. As a man who never looked down on those who looked up to him, and who helped as many people as he could. As a man who stood u"

"I busted a mirror and got seven years bad luck, but my lawyer thinks he can get me five"

"The story so far In the beginning, the Universe was created. This has made a lot of people very angry and been widely regarded as a bad move."

"I'm too good for my own good, I won't leak the album, I'll let it spill"

"A two-year-old is kind of like having a blender, but you don't have a top for it."

"Like getting into a bleeding competition with a blood bank."

"When kids hit one year old, it’s like hanging out with a miniature drunk. You have to hold onto them. They bump into things. They laugh and cry. They urinate. They vomit."

"There are worse things in life than death. Have you ever spent an evening with an insurance salesman?"

"I don't drink these days. I am allergic to alcohol and narcotics. I break out in handcuffs"

"Well, you know the thing you wear around your neck that holds your ID badge? I call that a bungee cord because no matter how far you try to run from your job it always snaps you right back into your cubicle."

"How do you tell when you're out of invisible ink?"

Previous 24 25 26 27 28 29 Next