Humor Quotes

"The chances of finding out what is actually going on in the universe are so remote, the only thing to do is hang a sense of humor on it and hope for the best." "The most terrifying words in the English language are: I'm from the government and I'm here to help." "Greatest danger in life: taking yourself too seriously." "Laughter is an instant vacation" "A committee is a group that keeps minutes and loses hours" "You can lead a man to Congress, but you can't make him think" "The problem with life is, by the time you can read women like a book, your library card has expired" "People say nothing is impossible, but I do nothing every day." "What do I know of man's destiny? I could tell you more about radishes." "The quickest way to double your money is to fold it in half and put it in your back pocket." "All of us have moments in our lives that test our courage. Taking children into a house with white carpet is one of them." "Housework, if you do it right, will kill you." "Never go to a doctor whose office plants have died." "My theory on housework is, if the item doesn't multiply, smell, catch on fire, or block the refrigerator door, let it be. No one else cares. Why should you?" "Seize the moment. Remember all those women on the 'Titanic' who waved off the dessert cart." "There are more old drunks than there are old doctors so I guess we’d better have another round" "I'm like old wine. They don't bring me out very often - but I'm well preserved." "The difference between Los Angeles and yogurt is that yogurt comes with less fruit" "It is a curious thought, but it is only when you see people looking ridiculous that you realize just how much you love them" "An archaeologist is the best husband a woman can have. The older she gets the more interested he is in her"