Humor Quotes

"I have as much authority as the Pope, I just don’t have as many people who believe it" "Men don't care what's on TV. They only care what else is on TV." "There is no such thing as fun for the whole family." "I am so busy doing nothing that the idea of doing anything - which as you know, always leads to something - cuts into the nothing and then forces me to have to drop everything." "A date is an experience you have with another person that makes you appreciate being alone." "Do not be dead serious about your life. It is just a play." "I’m a bit of a gourmet chef. I don’t take myself too seriously. Everything I learned I learned from the movies. Before you marry a person, you should first make them use a computer with slow internet to see who they really are. I still regret that I never really tried to be a professional soccer player. There’s always a lot of pressure to be funny, but with me, if I’m not funny, there’s no pressure, because I’m still terribly handsome." "People always say 'You do racial comedy.' And I don't, exactly. I do cultural comedy. Because race and culture are two different things" "My weaknesses have always been food and men—in that order" "I'm so high I could eat a star" "I find television very educating. Every time somebody turns on the set, I go into the other room and read a book." "She got her good looks from her father. He's a plastic surgeon." "I intend to live forever, or die trying." "I must say that I find television very educational. The minute somebody turns it on, I go to the library and read a good book." "I have had a perfectly wonderful evening, but this wasn't it." "It’s a positive thing to talk about terrible things and make people laugh about them" "I can resist everything except temptation" "He's the kind of man a woman would have to marry to get rid of" "It's hard to be funny when you have to be clean" "Marriage is a wonderful institution, but who wants to live in an institution?"